Decorating the house for the seasons is a lot of fun, especially when you get new things for 70% off! I was trying to reach the top of the cupboard, you know, the one that’s above the fridge that’s only possible to reach if you’re a professional acrobat. I tried standing on a chair, but I was still too short. So, I jumped up on the island and reached across the fridge. While on my tiptoes, trying to organize my new decoration in just the right spot – my husband walked in…
My husband has told us all numerous times that the cupboards aren’t made strong enough to climb and stand on – But in that moment I thought “I’ll just get up here and I’ll easily reach it” Go figure, that’s the exact moment my husband walks in! Caught, I apologize, but it’s too late he’s angry with me and we began to argue. At the time it seemed silly to be arguing about me standing on the counter, especially to the point which we were, but it turned out that me being on the cupboard wasn’t what we were really fighting about at all!
After our argument we went separate ways for a bit, I went for a walk and he went out to do chores on the farm. When we came back together, I was curious why the argument had become so heated. Before long, a lot of listening, and a pretty big wake up call – I discovered how much my attitude, my independent and stubborn nature impacts my husband. He shared that when I walk around looking like I’m in a bad mood – he feels like he isn’t being a good enough husband to me and feels unloved. When I am so independent and won’t let him help, he doesn’t feel that I need him. And, He shared that he isn’t even sure if I like him, let alone love him.
Wow! like I said, wake up call! The last thing in the world I want is to give my husband the impression that I don’t like him – I love him dearly, need him constantly and am truly blessed that he is in my life…. But that raised a huge question within me – If he is my best friend and I am so happy – why in the world do I walk around like a grump!?
We had dinner plans that evening so as I was getting ready I started to unpack that question – what causes me to be grumpy – what makes me short with my husband and my family…?
Then it came to me – it’s fear! It was a subconscious fear of “if I give completely of myself no one will be there for me and I’ll be taken for granted”. It is like Jumping into a body wave and hoping the people below you will catch you and not let you fall flat on your face. It’s not that I don’t trust my family to catch me – it’s more that, I don’t want to be that vulnerable, it’s easier to hold on to control and my firm “don’t need anyone”, grumpy exterior.
Fear made me do it!
Well, the next day, I jumped off into the body wave of service and it was one of the most fun days my husband and I had. We laughed, played, joked and both of us felt joyful and completely fulfilled.
I’ll remember this day – when I jumped off and trusted my husband to catch my vulnerability with gentle hands and open arms – the next time I try to hide behind my subconscious fear. I encourage you to discover your subconscious fears- it might be holding you and your marriage hostage from the fulness of fun, laughter, and happiness.