Anchored

No, time control doesn’t refer to time travel or the ability to stop time, however, I really wish I did have that power. The time control I speak of is the kind of control that I think I have over the day to day activities and situations of life.

One of my spiritual gifts is administration.  Makes sense now that I’m good at time management and scheduling things.  I’ve let this gift make me a little out of control trying to be completely in control. I have everything planned out, not only for my life but for my families life.  I know bedtime, homework time, dinner time, free time, bible study time… The planning and preparing are making me exhausted.  I’m feeling burnt out and anxious about everything.

The worst part is, in my own organized and structured mind, I don’t understand how I can be different.  Especially with all the things that need to get done… Now the question is… Are these feelings of – I can’t give anything up – Truth or Lie

I find peace at knowing how the day is going to go.  My planner has almost every hour fully accounted for, all day long.  So, once I know the plan,  I relax… Until something doesn’t go according to that plan.  I either have to literally bite my tongue because I’m just about to lose it, or throw myself on the floor and throw the best 3-year-old temper tantrum you’ve ever seen. (no I haven’t actually done this, but I would really love to do that sometimes)

I guess you could say that spontaneity is not my strong point.   My pride for having everything planned out and everyone’s needs met is high. :/

The Ringleader of My Circus

Join me in my brain for a minute.  We have a lot to do between farm chores, house chores, homework, fair prep, basketball, and soccer, youth group… Having this all scheduled means that everything gets done and we’re on time for any event.  Perfect right?  I clearly don’t have anything to work on – I’m the ringleader of this circus we call life.  But that right there is the issue.  I think I’m in control and I’m calling all the shots – but that’s not true.

The more I schedule and plan the tighter I hang onto the schedule and expect it all to go exactly how I thought it would.

It’s becoming more and more evident that my tight grip on my plans is not a healthy or biblical way to live.  I just did a google search for bible verses about God being in Control.  There are over 30 verses that talk about God’s plans being in charge and call for us to put our trust in him when we are afraid or feel out of control.  I, however, put my trust in myself when I feel out of control.  This is a ‘palm to the forehead’ kind of moment.

I don’t trust myself, which I admitted in my first anxiety blog, so what in the world makes me think that if I’m afraid or feel out of control I should put my trust in me?!  It’s like the dumbest cycle ever, especially because I know that I am not in control.  It’s like a false sense of security with a false bottom that I regularly fall through, yet continue to go back into.  What the What?! 😕

It’s time to let go of my schedule and hand it over to God, the rightful keeper of my life’s path – and my families path.

Healing my Grip on Time Management

The first thing that I realize in trying to heal this time control anxiety is that I still can have a schedule for myself and my family to follow because we do have a really busy life, but, I cannot hold onto it so tightly and ‘worship’ it’s being.  God’s plans often don’t fit on a checklist – maybe they never do… God works in ways that are bigger than anything I can plan, and I want those big and mighty plans in my life so I make my list and hand it over to God with prayer that I can do the things I need to do, but am flexible and willing to allow His plans to happen – without that three-year-old temper-tantrum happening.

It’s a soul and spirit position

“And the peace of God, which transcentds all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus” Philipians 4:7

Every single day gives me the ability to practice letting God of my plans and letting God take over.  I’ve been working on this for a few days now.  Each time things don’t go according to plan, I open my hands toward heaven to symbolize me letting go.

It’s not easy… My insides are crying out “no, this was not part of the plan”  but my heart and soul know that it’s not my plan to be followed so I take steps every day to hand over my time and tasks.  I pray that the Holy Spirit guides my day and that I am available to Him and His idea for me – not so stuck in my own ways.

One last thing to share before I leave you with Matthew 11 – the last few days of letting go and letting God take control of my life has lead to some clear God encounters.  I’ve had orders for work come out of nowhere, I’ve had great conversations with people that I didn’t ‘plan’ to have and was able to serve some people in need.  None of this would have happened if I was living according to my rigid schedule.

So – here’s to planning and letting oo.  To be willing to let God work his wonderful spender in our lives – making huge things happen that are not things we could ever plan or hope for.

“Come to me, all who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.  Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.  For my yoke is easy and my burden is light” Matthew 11:28-30