Hey all! It’s been quite some time since I’ve written. My world has been full of chaos, unknowns, stress, a whole lot of breaking down and a newly found breaking free.
Following Jesus and taking steps to live life more like Him isn’t easy and being humbled every day can be quite painful.
The last 3 months have been the most inspiring, painful, and amazing months of my life. Isn’t it crazy that it usually takes a lot of struggle to see the most outcome? My brokenness from the past has come all the way around to a closeness with Jesus I never thought was possible.
It’s all started with reading the book Uninvited. Since then I’ve read: Girl, Wash your face, Let.It.GO, Made To Crave, Why Her, Triggers, and Breaking Free by Beth Moore.
Ladies, each one of these is a must-read! Do you feel lost, broken, unfulfilled, ill-equipped, wondering your worth… Then, it’s self-discovery time! 🙂
My Last 3 Months…
I started writing this blog because I wanted all women to anchor their worth in godly truth. I was on a mission to share my struggles and successes and point every female to Jesus. To help overcome feelings of fear, worry, anxiety and low self-worth.
While on my blog mission to help women overcome I was hit square in the face with marriage struggles, finding myself very impatient with my kids, crying all the time, and continuously tired; tired of myself, my family and literally sleep deprived.
My husband kept telling me we needed to get professional help, but all I could think was “I/we shouldn’t need help… I pray I have the closest relationship with God that I’ve ever had, I can see we are blessed beyond measure”… yet everything around me and everything within me felt like it was falling apart.
Needless to say, this left me feeling unqualified to write anything, ever again! Who was I to tell women how to be anchored when I wasn’t living my life wholly- when I was living in fear, low self-worth, shame… I was and a hot mess!
During our marriage counseling and a lot of praying, I began to see that if I transform the way I act and think by anchoring myself in God’s peace and presence, then my marriage and relationships with the kids is also transformed. It was almost instantaneous when I would choose to act more Christ-like, so would they -almost instinctively- but continuing to choose to live Christ-like day-in-and-out that was easier said than done.
I don’t know about you, but I have this constant battle in my mind. No lie, I question my sanity sometimes.
The Christ-like spirit living within me says – “Choose to do right in all circumstances and fight for peace with everyone, God will fight your battles, Trust in Him.” All while the sinful and selfish side of me says – “but you always choose to be good, why can’t your family up their game for once and so you slack off emotionally for at least an hour?”
This battle caused me to question who I was, not understanding that if the Holy Spirit lives in me, why am I so constantly living, unlike the Spirit? Why am I so angry with my family, myself, my husband… Then I read Paul’s words in Romans and was encouraged to push on.
“I do not really understand myself, for I want to do what is right, but I don’t do it. Instead, I do what I hate.” – Romans 7:15
In my pushing on I did the Breaking Free bible study, and it began to unlock a lot of the pains from my past, the worthlessness I felt within me, and helped me realize how hard Satan works to keep me in bondage, imprisoned to my sin and insecurities.
I have a list of the things that hold me captive and am taking steps daily to pray and let God break these chains. I put truth in the place of every lie. I ‘rewallpaper’ my mind with God’s love and grace for me so that the lies and pains from my past can no longer hold me captive. They haven’t left me – the lies are still present – but their hold on me isn’t.
I’ve gone through a lot more in the last three months than just these quick points, and my goal is to share them and continue to testify to anyone who reads this blog. I felt ill-equipped to I stopped writing, but one thing I’ve learned through this last season is that God’s transformation in me is something everyone should hear about, because…
Faith Comes from hearing, that is, hearing the good new about Christ – Romans 10:17
We might all feel a little ill-equipped at times, but God uses our brokenness, to blend us together with Him and others so that we can clearly see our blessings through His unfailing glory and Grace.
So What I’m Being Called to Next
God is so Good! He will reveal things to our heart to get us excited about His plans and purpose for us, but often times we have to wait for the right time.
When I struggle with something, I turn to prayer and books – I love to read and learn. Mostly because I like to know I’m not alone, but, also, because within each book more is revealed to me about how to live a more godly life and wait on Gods perfect timing.
Each book brings me into a closer understanding of Christ, who He is and how much He loves me. I always choose books that fill me with someone’s personal experience but also that lead me to scripture.
My walk with Christ has become less of a “yes, I believe in Jesus” and more of a “God is my Best Friend, most incredible teacher and everything I need, always”
The Word is the best and only guide for life lived well.
Anyway, during the end of the breaking free study, I had a huge desire placed on my heart. I want to work with young women ages 11-16. I feel like this is a very pivotal time in our lives as women. Hormones change, boys become a focus of our attention and worth, self-worth begins to be measured by other people’s opinions or in the comparison to other females…
It’s a huge time in a girls life. I know, now, that many of the choices I made in life were directly impacted by only one or two situations that happened to me during this time period. Choices regarding boys, mean girls and my self-worth, were measured and carried with me from these early years to now, my mid-thirties.
If our girls aren’t equipped with the tools on how to base their worth on who God says they are – they are bound to stumble and chase after the things of this world leading to emptiness, brokenness, and loss.
By his divine power, God has given us everything we need for living goldy life. We have recieved all of this by coming to know him… 2Peter 1:3
We can not prevent or control the choices of our girls, but we can equip them with the truth as they journey into these rocky “am I worthy?” seasons. We can teach them that “yes, you are more than worthy, even when you don’t feel like or when someone else tells them they aren’t.” Our girls are strong, beautiful and worthy and should know how to set boundaries on how people treat them (girls or boys) so that they surround themselves with a community of people that build them up and encourage them every single day.
I have no clue what this tug on my heart means or how God plans to make this happen. I know that He has saved me from myself, from my bondage and I need to testify my freedom to anyone who will listen, or in this case – read 🙂
There is nothing we’ve done that God can’t turn out for His good and His glory. I’ve come from some pretty tight and destructive bondage, I’ve hurt a lot of people – including myself – all in my pursuit of self-worth. And, all along, all I had to do is look up. All we ever have to do is hit our knees and look up.
I’ll leave you with my favorite bible verse and encourage all you to be flawless oaks with your arms stretched out in praise to our master planner. You are planted for his glory – He chose you!
…He will give a grown of beauty for ashes, a joyous blessing instead of mourning, festive prase instead of dispair. In their Righteousness, they will be like great oaks that the Lord has planted for his glory. – Isaiah 61-3